I cannot write this in detail because a) it is too personal and b) it entails the personal life of somebody else; but overall, the story goes like this: I ran into this wonderful human being, we had a wonderful time together, without realizing we had different expectations, then came misunderstanding, heartbreak, honest conversation, recuperation, etc. Ohhhh. Wasn’t love supposed to be universal? Weren’t there no barriers to love? How did this messy misunderstanding ever happen?
Indeed, love seems to be a universal concept found in any culture throughout history. That is why it makes love stories so popular and timeless that it works pretty much anytime and anywhere in the world, right? Even though we are way past the era of the Renaissance, Romeo and Juliet's forbidden love and their heartbreak are transcendent. Even though I've never been to Montauk Beach before, I'm able to identify and relate to the pain of erasing someone out of your life and the seemingly irrational urge to get back to a clearly toxic relationship through the film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
On the other hand, there is this thing called dating. It's how love in a romantic sense is manifested in real life. It is a set of rules around people who are willing to practice romantic love with each other and individual actions abiding by those rules. Like any other human practice, dating culture and rules are affected by other social norms, taboos, and laws, including fairly universal ones like heteronormativity, monogamy, gender roles, and more culturally specific ones like individualism and collectivism. However, just like how society determines how people date, I believe that we have the power to change the rules by practicing love however we want.
I am also an ignore-all-the-rules kind of person when it comes to dating. More precisely saying, I want to abide by my own rules that correspond with my beliefs in love, rather than to blindly follow what society has to say about dating. After all, what matters is your belief and definition of love, not the social norms that just hinder people from having natural, honest relationships and instead, degrade them into a mere role play, isn’t it?
Oh, how wrong and naive I was.
After a series of unexpected events, my recent revelation is that understanding social norms is highly necessary to avoid any confusion or embarrassment when forming a new relationship. Apparently, rules not only determine practices, but they also let you understand those of the others. Same words, same practice, same situation can mean drastically different things according to the rules that each party involved in a relationship follows. Not knowing the other person's rules or even worse, assuming that they would be using the same set of rules as I am, makes misunderstandings arise. That's what we least expect from relationships.
This is why understanding cultural rules helps a lot, especially when you're from another culture. Even more so when you've just met someone and don't know much about them. When it comes to dating, a practice so full of uncertainty in particular, it gives you a sense of comfort and control just by knowing culturally predominant dating rules. It would be things like how a relationship starts and ends, how physical intimacy works, what being in a relationship looks like, etc.
What are some Korean dating rules that I've brought with me then? Generally, Koreans tend to have clear-cut boundaries between friends and romantic partners. It is quite common to
clearly define the relationship by asking the other person to be their significant other. Before making it official, physical intimacy is kept to a minimum. In fact, being too nice and getting physically intimate when you are not interested in any serious relationship is not…. well, welcome. There’s this term called “어장관리” which means “managing a fish tank” when translated word for word. It is used to describe a practice of flirting without any interest in a serious relationship – it’s an allegory of you being one tiny fish in this person’s giant fish tank with millions of other fish in it. Of course, deceiving someone is not acceptable in any culture, but it is safe to say casual dating and open relationships are not that popular in Korea. Once in a relationship, it can be very intimate, some can say restrictive, even. Texting and calling to check how’s your partner doing several times a day is essential in Korean dating.
Meanwhile, in America, one thing I noticed is that dating is taken not so seriously. Or maybe it is the other way round - they take it too seriously that people evade serious relationships and resort to hookups and casual dating. Hence, dating apps are a popular place to look for a new relationship. Also, according to a trustworthy correspondent I met in front of the Charles Library, it is not common to actually "ask" someone to be their romantic partner. "Maybe when you are in grade school. But adults? No. Relationships develop gradually, and we assume we’re in a serious relationship when we start seeing each other exclusively." Another general tendency I noticed is fear of commitment. Often dubbed as commitment issues, I realized Americans can be very careful before labeling their relationship, which seemed so vague to my Korean perspective. There's no such concept as “commitment issue” in Korea, and I think it is unique to the American culture where people prioritize individuals' independence so much that they fear sacrificing themselves for a relationship.
After observing and comparing the two countries' dating cultures, I realized that what a burden I can be to the other person if I were to date an American person. Adding to the already intense Korean dating customs, my personal predisposition exacerbates the situation. I am an emotionally intense, all-or-nothing person. I go for it when I am so certain of my decision. No, I pounce on it when I'm so sure about my vision. How does that sound my fellow Americans? Maybe there's no one left to listen to what I've got to say because I scared them all away.
Though Korean and American dating cultures differ drastically - one too hot and one too chill, one too obsessive and one too distant - I feel like people are all doing their best to cope with this lonely and uncertain world. Too scared to be alone that you keep your significant other ever so close to you. Too scared to be alone that you give up the sense of intimacy before even trying. In the Netflix series You, the female protagonist Beck claims that people are just all disappointing in the end. I'd like to twist that. People are just all lonely in the end. Once you get to know anyone on a deeper level, you find out that we're all messy balls of unsolved emotions and loneliness, dressed up in nice gowns.
And yet, those momentary joy of truly recognizing each other keep my hope for love alive. So what if we speak (literally) different languages? So what if we speak love differently? Maybe that's the one last thing universal about love after all - sincere gaze looking into each other's soul.